Day One

Had all these ideas on the walk back from the bus stop and I enter the house and they’re *poof* gone. Something about awareness of writing For Others. And me being a private person yadda yadda yadda gotta get used to this stream of consciousness writing thing, and it’s hard to type my thoughts like there’s a block between my brain and my fingers resisting the urge to get the words out.

Maybe I think Too Fast for my fingers, though I think I type pretty fast anyway. Or I have So Many thoughts, all at once, that I can’t focus in on one. My concentration isn’t very and that’s a lot of it. Maybe I need Medication. Probably do for Lots Of Things, but eh, what did our ancestors do? They Dealt With It, or they killed themselves (which probably happened a lot more often than we know.) Not that I’m contemplat- no, I have, a lot, but not that I’d Actually Do It. It’s a coward’s way out, and there’s my kids too.

Still can’t make myself Unconsicous of the fact I’m writing this down and Someone will Read It someday. I’ve been Editting even this short amount of way in (wow is that ever an uncomfortable phrase) and reformatting to make it look better and backspacing to correct pronunciation and spelling and I will Very Likely spellcheck when I am done.

So I’ve been lackadaisically following J(Wow I spelled that right first try go me) John Scalzi’s blog Whatever and in particular a bit about Writing and Writers. (And here is the point I just went to full-blown, Purposeful editting and formatting for later posting. Scary.) I like the entire post, and it really felt targetted Directly at my personal... quandry sounds so stuffy, but that’s what it’s been, over the past few weeks of getting my mind and heart turned back to writing, and maybe actually trying to make something of it. I’ll go with his quoted suggestion of “at least 250 words a day” for now, which I’m not sure if this is yet or not, but I don’t think I’m done anyway.

So the 250 words/day is more intended for someone writing a novel or something, I Think (not having read the source, maybe context is wrong) but it seems like a good goal for me to drive myself to actually break this Cycle of Suck I’ve been stuck in for so long. Practice makes perfect, or something.

So now the question is, where and how? I have a few places to post, but none with any readers (which might make it easier at first really) but should I expand into social media like Facebook and Livejournal and Find An Audience, not monetarily, but at least find readers and get used to the idea people might Know My Thoughts, which is and really has been for a lot of my life, frankly terrifying.

That will seem contrary to anyone who knows me, as a talkative, out-going, social character in my own little drama, but because that is precisely how I view it, as a Character, it makes it easier to confront people. If I can dazzle them with details or baffle them with bullshit, they can’t Get In and I can hide comfortably behind a persona. This will not work, this MY THOUGHTS ARE MINE GET OUT if I want to make a living out of a skill I have. It is, very very likely, part and parcel of my whole anti-creating thing. I get very weird, jealous feelings when someone {views|reads|listens} to something that came out of my head, and it’s why I don’t like to write anything anymore.

Am I done here? For now? I think I am. This was pretty awkward and uncomfortable to write, and I don’t know if I hit my 250 word goal or not, and frankly don’t care, because I wrote Something and, for now, that is enough.